


the world’s greatest best man speech

by harajukucrepes



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Because this is me there's a lot of angsty around, Language, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Weddings, tw: unhealthy coping mechanism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:54:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26063794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harajukucrepes/pseuds/harajukucrepes
Summary: The thing about Jaehyun is that he’s always so unintentionally cruel and Yuta keeps letting him get away with it.*or, Jaehyun is going to get married and asks Yuta to be his best man. It sucks.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Nakamoto Yuta, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 25
Kudos: 72





	the world’s greatest best man speech

**Author's Note:**

> \- this is a fic loosely based on a kuroko no basuke doujin called [misoji no koi](https://www.mangaupdates.com/series.html?id=115163). the scanlations aren't on the internet right now, I believe, but if you do come across it please check it out!  
> \- this fic has a lot of angsty people talking about angsty stuff and so if this isn't your cup of coffee...take caution?  
> \- at the end of the day this is actually a fic about healing, so I hope this gets conveyed right... ;; 
> 
> \- as usual, all feedbacks / corrections are welcomed so feel free to let me know of any mistakes

*

the world’s greatest best man speech

*

**  
  
  
  
  
**

_(0)_

**  
  
  
  
  
**

It happened a long time ago, but Yuta could still remember the relieved smile on Jaehyun’s face as he rose up from the big giant drain, clutching tightly on his hand. 

“Don’t worry,” he had said, “I won’t let go of you.” 

It was the only promise Yuta has ever made in his entire life up until now. 

**  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**

_(i)_

**  
  
  
  
  
**

Jaehyun’s favourite pasta place is, as usual, fully packed on Friday afternoon and he’s late. 

Yuta has never been subtle in his aversion towards the Friday crowd at the Lorenzo’s because Fridays are usually when the top executives would take advantage of the near-weekend mood by taking extra long lunches in the name of networking and thus, naturally, bumping into his or Jaehyun’s superiors is really the last thing they would need before closing off the work week. Then there’s also this thing about Jaehyun always having meetings before lunch that are chaired by this team leader of his who has never been good with time management and that’s why Fridays for them are mostly reserved for ramen at the corner of the street where their buildings are located. But Jaehyun insisted that they need to be at Lorenzo's today even though they would meet later in the evening anyway for drinks at Itaewon with Doyoung and John and Mark, because today there’s this one specific thing he would like to ask of him and so, the longer he waits for Jaehyun to come for lunch, the more Yuta dreads hearing about the request. 

The last time such a thing has happened—Jaehyun being extraordinarily enthusiastic about dining somewhere expensive—it was about a year ago to tell him that his then-girlfriend had accepted his marriage proposal. He had been so happy then, dimples glinting as brightly as his eyes as he recounted the way he bungled up his rehearsed speech and ended up spouting random nonsense before asking her to marry him and Yuta didn’t have the heart to tell him that this would be the very life milestone that he would be more than content to be excluded from and because it’s now only one month left before the wedding, there’s really nothing more that Jaehyun would ask of him unless it’s about him expecting a child and asking Yuta to be—

 _Fuck,_ Yuta recoils internally while Jaehyun walks in just in time to cut his thought process short and holds his hands affectionately. 

“People are watching,” Yuta hisses, warning Jaehyun to be mindful of the crowd after noticing his managing director eating with his guest across the dining hall. There’s also Jaehyun’s colleagues around, but he can’t see much with the limited vision from the corner of his eyes. 

Jaehyun’s still grinning widely and Yuta’s thinking that he must be right after all, so he squeezes back and readies himself to say—

“Would you be my best man?”

 _What?_ “I’m sorry?”

“My best man,” Jaehyun says, squeezing back, “Sharon just agreed this morning.” 

Yuta can’t answer right away, because he’s contemplating whether or not to clarify with Jaehyun if he had told Sharon about _them_ but then Jaehyun is smiling like the success of his wedding is hinging upon Yuta’s decision to be his best man and just for that, Yuta feels like he isn’t in a position to choose. 

After all, he has never been able to say no to Jaehyun. 

**  
  
  
  
  
**

*

**  
  
  
  
  
**

Yuta loves Doyoung the way one would love a well-informed choice—except what you need isn’t always what you want and Doyoung made it clear from the beginning that he’ll never, never, _ever_ fall in love with Yuta, and that’s why, Yuta sometimes says, fucking Doyoung feels like having sex with a partner of at least ten years. Doyoung would usually retort with a sarcastic snort, because he knows that Yuta’s all talk and no chew and that’s the kind of terms and conditions that came with the specific deal as part their friendship: Doyoung handles all of Yuta’s toothless bites and Yuta endures Doyoung’s ceaseless naggings. 

The thing with Doyoung is that he’s the kind of person Yuta should obediently fall in love with: handsome and smart and intelligent and well-bred and decent and staunch yet thoughtful enough to be flexible when the situation calls for it, and because he’s the only person around Yuta that’s shrewd enough to see through his needs and stay a healthy distance away, he’s the only one for this. 

So Yuta let Doyoung set the rules—time, place, position, duration, and what they do after. Sometimes they spoon while Doyoung nags him about his uncharacteristically conservative food portion or the unhealthy spike in his caffeine intake; sometimes he buries his face in Doyoung’s chest while he tells Yuta that he’s there for him and he will be there for him for as long as he wants even if his heart will eventually fall for another; sometimes he wrestles Yuta away especially when Yuta doesn’t feel bruised enough and Doyoung has to remind him that he has only agreed to be his sanctuary and not his torture chamber. 

“You don’t need more of this,” he would say, clamping him down firmly to the bed, “get some rest right now.”

Sometimes Yuta hates him for that, for acting like he knows him more than he knows himself and for acting like he knows what’s best for him, but he knows that Doyoung is just being exact about the boundaries of their unspoken deal, about agreeing to be the singular host of his frustrations that in many ways feel so clinical that Yuta feels like coming to Doyoung is like getting yet another prescription and like all ethical physicians are wont to do, Doyoung would just keep prescribing him with increasing caution until he could stop relying on medications to get his shit together. 

Today though, Doyoung is insisting that the prescriptions shall end and it’s taking a lot of coaxing during their drinking session with Jaehyun and Mark and John to make him agree to do it after they are done for the night, because they have known about the wedding happening for close to a year now and Yuta has had ample time to come to terms with things even if his coping mechanisms were largely invisible to people who aren’t Doyoung. Yuta doesn’t want to look like he’s sulking, so he drinks like a pirate to avoid responding to the chatters around him. He barely hears Mark but he can make out the way he’s gushing about how he still can’t believe that Jaehyun would be the first one to settle down; then John admonishing Mark because how is that possible, Mark, are you dumb or something, and that he knew it from the start that it would always be Jaehyun and that Jaehyun would either marry young or die like a regency-era gay man bringing his yearning to the grave; then Doyoung, sweet and lovely and trustable Doyoung calling Jaehyun a hypocrit for building up an unscalable wall around him and leading people on while secretly already planning to craft a family with Sharon for two years plus or so; then there’s Jaehyun’s signature guffaw coming at the heels of his almost-sadistic glee at Doyoung’s complains because nothing has ever managed to please Jaehyun more than the sound of Doyoung whining and Yuta doesn’t think he would care about Jaehyun’s expression—but then he sees his crescent-eyed laughter and immediately runs to the toilet and vacates his body of all the alcohol he just drank like he’s undergoing the world’s most painful liver dialysis. 

In times like this Yuta wishes that he loves Doyoung a little lesser—because Doyoung is just not the type who would admit that he has been wrong, that his preferred way of healing hasn’t prepared Yuta for a relapse and now, Doyoung has no choice but to be what he has ardently refused to be:

—because at some point when medications stop being effective, they become addictive drugs. 

**  
  
  
  
  
**

*

**  
  
  
  
  
**

Doyoung refuses to kiss him. 

It takes Yuta by surprise because it’s Doyoung’s first time ever turning him down and Yuta’s guessing that it’s the residual stench of vomit in his breath and the fact that he’s too drunk to properly consent, but he’ll brush his teeth and gargle some mouthwash and drink some ginger tea and take a clean shower so please, he begs, fuck him raw tonight. 

The rest of them has gotten used to seeing Doyoung take him home everytime Yuta drinks himself into oblivion because Doyoung happens to stay the nearest to Yuta and that Doyoung is their mom friend who could be trusted to nurse Yuta back to sobriety, which makes Doyoung also the most convenient person whenever Yuta feels a hole in his heart and needs a quick pick-me-up. Doyoung is always so determined to refuse Yuta’s preferences too, because a placebo doesn’t work that way, he would insist. Stop telling me where he had kissed you, stop showing me where he had bitten you, stop making me fuck you the way he did. 

“I’m not him,” Doyoung repeats again. “I’m not kissing you outside the apartment just because he once did it.” 

The metal door to Doyoung’s apartment makes a loud clanging sound as he lets himself fall against it, pulls Doyoung with him so that their bodies lean against the door in a tangled mess, then licks along his jawline until he reaches his sideburn and whispers into his ear. 

“It’s not about him,” he says, sultrily, “It’s about you.” 

Doyoung narrows his eyes as he inhales loudly and for a few short seconds, Yuta waits with bated breath as Doyoung sneaks his arms around his hips and starts giving light pecks on his cheek and his eyelids and it feels so comfortable to be in his presence that Yuta steadfastly empties his minds of all other thoughts, all except Doyoung and his sexy ass and his sexy collarbones and the way he bites his nipples gently and the way he sometimes goes a bit too hard with his thrusts and—

The door abruptly flies open and Yuta is suddenly flung backwards into Doyoung’s apartment and before he realises what has happened, Doyoung’s dragging him to the bathroom. 

“Go get sobered up, dumbass,” he instructs, turning on the faucet so that it rains cold water on Yuta. 

Yuta doesn’t manage to protest in time to pull Doyoung into the bathroom as well for some raw fucking that he desperately wants, but maybe this is good, maybe this is the kind of cold turkey he needs, because Doyoung is right like he always is. Just because there’s no way in hell Doyoung would fall in love with him, it doesn’t mean that he should provoke him into it. Just because Doyoung has allowed Yuta the space to express his disgruntlement, it doesn’t mean that he should keep going off on him when the trouble lies with him and his inability to accept, move on, and to let go of everything. 

Doyoung has given him nothing but love ever since he approached him for this, he thinks as the cold shower washes his tears away, and it’s unfortunate that it’s the kind of love one would show towards a pitiful ball of emotions ill-equipped for heartbreak. 

**  
  
  
  
  
**

*

**  
  
  
  
  
**

On Monday, Jaehyun meets Yuta up for lunch in their usual ramen place to talk about how the project he has been handling is delaying the go-live date because of some technical mishap and Yuta tells him about a miscommunication issue with his client that has them restarting the whole advertising proposal and Yuta takes comfort in the way he’s perfectly capable of functioning as Jaehyun’s best friend and professional confidante, in spite of his Jaehyun-induced breakdown the weekend prior. Yuta supposes that he has done well enough for himself that he has never been tempted to ask more from Jaehyun in these few years that they have started working in the same area, watching him growing from an impressionable intern to a confident, capable project manager just like he did when he watched him grow from a tiny round-faced momma’s boy into a tall, handsome school president. 

So he smiles as they part ways after lunch, Jaehyun towards the left of the junction to the building where the pharmaceutical giant that employs him stands while he moves towards the right to his office in the advertising firm, and starts counting down to when he will break his decision to him. 

Tuesday comes and they go to the same ramen shop again, this time Jaehyun casually asks Yuta about remote places in Kansai region that he would recommend for Jaehyun to go for his first honeymoon because he and his fiance have decided to go on two honeymoons since Jaehyun wants to go to Japan while Sharon prefers East Europe. Yuta fights to hide the fact that he’s been gritting his teeth while trying to forget that Jaehyun used to ask this pretty often as well, especially when Yuta was in college in Osaka while Jaehyun was taking his college entrance exam. Doyoung later commends him on his efforts and swears that Jaehyun must have done it deliberately, because he can’t be that oblivious. 

“You just have to tell him straight,” Doyoung suggests, because Jaehyun’s chronic and selective obliviousness is clearly straining the limits of what is left of their friendship. 

Then on Wednesday, Jaehyun tells him that one of his cousins wouldn’t be able to make it to his wedding because his wife has miscarried and it puts Jaehyun in an anxious mood because something that used to be a distant, murky worry is now a real, tangible obstacle in ensuring the longevity of his marriage. Yuta tells him that it probably doesn’t run in the family (which he has no proof of) and that there are so many alternative insemination methods to be considered but he doesn’t know why he’s talking about all of these to Jaehyun like he’s trying to encourage him when the success of Jaehyun’s marriage isn’t anywhere in the list of the things he cares about at all. 

“What _is_ ,” Doyoung reminds him through text, “and _should_ be your priority is telling him that you’re not going through with this.” 

Yuta couldn’t put any word to describe his reluctance to break it to Jaehyun but banking on Thursday to be uneventful isn’t helping much, because Jaehyun is still uneasy about his cousin’s unfortunate news and doesn’t speak at all during lunch, making Yuta feel like an absolute asshole for even thinking about raining more awful news on him. He tries to mentally talk himself out of this self-perceived guilt, because surely Jaehyun having to face issues that comes with building a family is nothing compared to Yuta having to be reminded of their painful past even if done innocuously. 

But Yuta knows that he can’t go on without clarifying this—without telling Jaehyun that he can no longer move alongside him and he’ll have to sit while Jaehyun takes ten steps ahead of him and this would be the kind of problem that he’ll have to face alone and therefore, he will give some sort of eulogy to their past only when he’s ready and about a month from now is not it. 

So, on Friday, Yuta finally breaks it to him. 

“I’m sorry,” he starts. “I can’t do it.” 

Jaehyun responds with nothing but a look on his face that tells Yuta that he has forgotten how genuine hurt feels like. 

**  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**

_(ii)_

**  
  
  
  
  
**

The thing about Jaehyun is that he’s always so unintentionally cruel and Yuta keeps letting him get away with it. 

When Jaehyun was ten and Yuta was about a year plus older, he fell into the drain trying to break out a fight between two cats only to later learn that it was because they were fighting over a female cat. Jaehyun kept denying that he was in pain despite the oozing blood from his thigh and Yuta suspected that it was because he didn’t want to admit that a ferocious cat actually startled him into falling into the drain, but then Yuta laughed and told him that the entire neighbourhood was peeking their heads from their fences because Jaehyun’s bicycle actually made a loud sound when he fell into the drain and Jaehyun’s look of embarrassment was one of the highlights of Yuta’s childhood. 

When Jaehyun was in the first year of high school and Yuta was a grade older, Jaehyun let the school believe that he was probably having a crush on John, who was then a senior, to avoid having girls confess to him. Yuta didn’t think that Jaehyun knew the full extent of his genius because he had been so callous about every kind of romantic attention thrown his way: accepting the chocolates anyway even though the girls who gifted them to him expressed subtle resignations in their possible incompatibility in terms of romantic or sexual orientation; singing love songs during school performances and graciously receiving bouquets of flowers with his signature dimpled grin; talking about qualities he liked in partners and being careful about including any specific genders. It was just so cruel of him, Yuta used to think, the way he was reaping off the benefits of being the most popular guy in school while also being the most unapproachable and romantically unavailable one. 

When Jaehyun was in college in Seoul and Yuta went back to Japan to get his degree in Graphic Design, he told his college mates that he had a girlfriend in Japan so that they would understand the reason for his frequent trips to Osaka. Yuta at first didn’t like that he was being referred to in that manner, but the more Jaehyun used pictures of his random body parts (hands mostly) to be featured on his “girlfriend” posts, the more addicted Yuta was to the thrill that came with secrecy and trickery. He never bothered to clarify why he abruptly stopped visiting Japan regularly after Yuta returned to Seoul upon graduation and it amazes Yuta to this day that hardly anyone put two and two together. 

(Doyoung probably did though, bless his smart little soul.)

It got worse after Jaehyun graduated from college, when Yuta came back to Seoul to work for an advertising firm and Jaehyun applied for a job nearby Yuta’s employer even though Yuta wasn’t discreet about wanting distance from him. 

“I didn’t notice,” he had said nonchalantly, “plus it’s not like Yeouido is a small place.” 

He had said it in a way that made Yuta feel as though he was being impetuously punished through coincidences, like Yuta was meant to never escape him even in adulthood the same way they were meant for each other his whole life prior. He said it in a way that even his slight smirk of amusement could barely hide his bitterness, like he was determined to never allow Yuta a moment of reprieve and Yuta even started to feel a little resentful of himself, because his lifelong indulgence of Jaehyun’s whims had then came to bite him in the ass just like the way Doyoung has been clearly hurting from his year-long tolerance of Yuta’s petulance. 

It’s sick, Yuta thinks, how cyclical cruelty could be and sometimes he wonders if Doyoung and Jaehyun are aware of the emotional brutality they subject themselves with, because more than anyone, Yuta knows exactly what those are and what those feel like, because it didn’t start with that time when Jaehyun told him that they weren’t breaking up and Yuta agreed. 

After all, Yuta had been the one who started the cruel game and Jaehyun is nothing if not needlessly competitive. 

**  
  
  
  
  
**

*

**  
  
  
  
  
**

The thing about Doyoung is that he dresses up his kindest intentions with the harshest words possible and Yuta knows very well that it’s not a reason to keep dismissing all his legitimate concerns—yet he does it all the time anyway. 

He had laughed at Doyoung calling him a coward for refusing to stop fooling around with Jaehyun at school, because games like these are bound to end with the both of you in flames by the end of it, he said. Yuta wished that he hadn’t found Jaehyun’s deliberately silent but comedic ways of provoking Doyoung to be amusing, because then he might have had at least stopped to consider that maybe letting Jaehyun kiss him in the basketball court storeroom within the earshot of the student committee members who were were discussing about organising the sports carnival wasn’t a good idea, even if Doyoung happened to be one of them. He also wished that he had the mental fortitude to reject him after that first kiss, because Jaehyun would later go on to continue kissing him on the school rooftop while a group of girls below them who were just finishing their cheerleading practise happily celebrated the withdrawal of their biggest rival school from the regional competition. Finally, he wished that he hadn’t found pleasure in the thrill that came with those covert almost-trysts that he let Jaehyun kiss him a lot more after that, because it was from kissing him that Jaehyun managed to trick him into forgetting that he used to be that kid that fell into a big giant drain because of a cat attack. 

He had scoffed at Doyoung asking Jaehyun to get focused on graduating high school when he had grown conspicuously sullen about Yuta’s decision to return to his hometown for college because to a certain extent, it did seem like Doyoung, more than anyone Yuta knew, had never managed to see Jaehyun beyond that bratty prankster that he used to be and the realisation got Yuta wondering if _he_ himself ever did. Upon hearing that, Jaehyun snickered at Doyoung because my grades are higher than yours, he reminded him and they locked eyes for a few more seconds, as though trying to challenge each other into a battle of achievements. It wouldn’t be until much later that Yuta would eventually find out about Jaehyun being more reclusive than usual during his last year in high school and it had nothing to do with wanting to graduate with flying colours and securing a spot in one of the SKY universities. 

But then Yuta got his degree and after returning back to Korea, he was no longer capable of dismissing Doyoung’s harshly-packaged admonishments with the kind of wayward recklessness he used to have because he couldn’t laugh at all when Doyoung suggested that he should either start going on group dates or stop complaining about working near Jaehyun. Nobody cares what went on between you two, he had grouchily snapped on Yuta, so you can either run back home to Osaka (which, if Yuta were to be honest with himself, was a pretty attractive prospect at that time) or just learn how to deal with him. 

And so Yuta swallowed his pride bit by bit and let Doyoung’s words slowly seep some senses into his mind and that was how he slowly learned to “deal” with Jaehyun—first, by ignoring the elephant in the room and conveniently not remembering that a childhood friend happens to work in the building opposite his office; second, by inventing non-existent meetings whenever they went out to drink with the rest of their little gang and Jaehyun whined about not being able to ask him out for lunches together; and third and finally, by distracting himself whenever Jaehyun updated the rest of them about this girl he had known since elementary school but had only started recently falling for and he was doing so well and he knew it, because Doyoung then started reaching out to him in ways that suggested such. 

“I should feel so lucky,” Yuta once said while latching on Doyoung in a bout of intoxication, “because you seem to be the only one who could read me.” 

Yuta could never manage to remember the exact words that Doyoung had said in response—because something about the sound of Doyoung’s speaking voice always end up being remembered as “actions” in Yuta’s mind instead of “words”—but it was something along the line about how Yuta was delusional for ever thinking that his silence would camouflage the pain inside because Yuta was the kind of person whose physical manifestation of self mirrored his state of mind and thus making it nigh impossible to be around him and be self-absorbed at the same time. 

“You never knew it,” Doyoung was saying one time, “but we let you be because we know what you were going through. It was all written on your face.” 

It was then that Yuta realised that Doyoung’s words got gentler with Yuta’s increasing dependence on him and that he cared, he cared a fucking lot and more than anything, Yuta was considering living in an alternate world where Doyoung could be the source of his pain instead of Jaehyun because then Doyoung would find a way to heal his scars even if the wounds persist and in return Yuta felt that he could deal with his naggings even if he used to hate them. In that world, Doyoung would have known him to be him, just _him_ , and without the Jaehyun-sized thorn, Yuta thought, Doyoung would have been a far more tender presence in his life and that kind of presence would surely produce a space that could give rise to something more special, something that belonged to only the two of them. 

But he has to live in this reality where Doyoung knows too much about him and all the phantom pains that have haunted him for years and there’s nothing Doyoung could do to help exorcise them away, so he asked for Doyoung to possess the ghosts of Jaehyun that keeps hovering above his mind in hopes that maybe, just _maybe_ , one of these days, he would be completely cured and find strength in himself to finally move on. 

Doyoung has always been so kind to him, really, but the thing about Yuta is that he’s unexpectedly cruel himself and so, a tiny part of himself refused to let the ghost of Jaehyun leave so that Doyoung would never stop possessing him. 

**  
  
  
  
  
**

*

**  
  
  
  
  
**

Jaehyun had only ever been the gentlest with him from the very beginning, in every sense. 

He was very gentle when he had held him in his arms because Yuta was being a pain about Jaehyun outgrowing him because fuck, what am I supposed to do now that you’re not cute anymore, you’re not tiny anymore and I hate the way I feel around you. It was something that came after Yuta started to notice the way Jaehyun had to bend to reach his lips while Yuta had to tip-toe and the revelation sent him into a shockwave of disbelief because your head used to only be able to reach my shoulders, he was telling Jaehyun. 

“Really,” Jaehyun’s lips curled upwards to form a dimpled grin that showed that he was very distinctly satisfied with the effect he had on Yuta. “I’ve been outgrowing you for a while, but thanks for noticing.”

He was even gentle with him despite being determined as hell to delete all images of his embarrassing past from Yuta’s mind and it worked so well on Yuta that he began to feel nervous around him, so nervous that Jaehyun developed the habit of putting his palm on his chest to check his heartbeat and letting him fall into his arms as he stumbled from his wobbly knees before eventually showering light pecks onto his hair while his thumbs pressed on to his cheeks while slowly moving from his hair to his ear to his jawline and then eventually his lips. Yuta used to love this, the way Jaehyun was giving space for him during their moments together for his heart to form proper feelings for him and the way he would breathe into his neck as though he was telling Yuta that there would be parts of him that he would eventually claim and Yuta would have to one day tell Jaehyun that he got them, all of them that he had wanted to own so badly; that part of his heart that always beat stronger in his presence, that section in his mind that only stored memories of him, and that few nerves around his crotch that would always react to him. 

And so because Jaehyun had been nothing but gentle with him in every way, Yuta had fully expected that their first time would hurt like hell in spite of Jaehyun’s repeated assurances that he would never hurt him, not even unintentionally. 

“That’s why, _hyung_ ,” he had said when Yuta told him to just do it, “you should have really given a little more thought into this.”

It actually surprised Yuta that Jaehyun was the reluctant one in this instant because he had been the one who had no qualms about being rumoured to be crushing on one particular boy but kissing another and possibly being caught doing it and Yuta had went along with him thinking that it could have been a _phase_ , kind of, because it was fun, wasn’t it. It was magical, wasn’t it, he thought to himself, kissing the most beautiful boy in school and being able to catch the stars in his eyes as he looked at you like you were the moon high above in the sky. 

Wasn’t it lovely, he had thought, to know the way one touch of his hand felt like a gulp of warm beer? 

Yuta told Jaehyun that he didn’t care about the pain, really, so just go ahead and do it. 

Then Jaehyun did it and it was the first for the both of them and Jaehyun kept apologising as Yuta winced from the force of the thrusts and Yuta almost choked because everything felt so long and so awkward and _painful_ and it was like being given a grim reminder that the real thing was supposed to hurt— _love_ was supposed to hurt and he made a decision there and then that if he had to be hurting it better be the real thing. 

Jaehyun had frowned deeply when he heard it, like he had been stabbed in the heart, then he collapsed on top of Yuta and let out a sigh. 

“It _is_ real though,” he had insisted. “You know better than anyone.”

Yuta supposed he would be the one who knew Jaehyun the best, because how could he not be—he had seen him as an anxious kindergartener pacing erratically in front of his house when he had forgotten the key; he had seen him as an unbearably smart kid in middle school who skipped class out of boredom; he had seen him fidgeting in high school as he doubted himself for fantasising about kissing boys and wondering if it made him a freak and a weirdo and Yuta had said no, because he, too, he said while holding his hand, had only boys in mind when he had imagined kissing anyone; he had seen him at his most charming as he played the role of a handsome prince in school play, fighting imaginary dragons to win the favour of the hypothetical princess. 

Yet it was in that moment of open vulnerability that Yuta realised that he never really knew anything about Jaehyun—because he never managed to stop struggling to understand Jaehyun’s intention at all in his effort to reconcile between the Jaehyun he knew and the Jaehyun who wanted him and he wished that he could speed past the phase of unlearning and relearning about him to picture the endgame Jaehyun had envisioned for them that would make the pain all worthwhile but Yuta could only see a bleak sight of the abyss and he knew that he would have to, at one point, stop the bleeding. 

So that night of Jaehyun’s final trip to Osaka was when Yuta said it to him and with just that, he transformed Jaehyun’s unconditional gentleness into unhinged depravity. 

“It was all my fault,” he tells Doyoung after he told Jaehyun that he would, under no circumstance, attend his wedding. “It was me who said it to him.” 

Yuta has known this for a while now, but it’s now sinking into him again that well-meaning intentions often wound deeper than physical injuries. 

**  
  
  
  
  
**

*

**  
  
  
  
  
**

The thing about Yuta is that he realised too late that he probably meant to hurt both Jaehyun and Doyoung and it has been nothing short of a miracle that they still care about him in any capacity. 

He imagined that he must have been a pain to shower affections on, because Jaehyun had only seen him in either a state of permanent whimsicalness or a state of constant readiness to leave. “You kissed so light,” Jaehyun once commented, “that I feel like I had been touched by a piece of cloud.” Yuta used to think that it was really just so gracious of Jaehyun to describe his reluctance so beautifully and perhaps he was indeed a little in love with Jaehyun back then, even if it was mostly with the way he used his words and the way he lowered his voice so that the vibrations would pulsate underneath his skin and the way he had fully intended to use everything that he knew about Yuta to his advantage even it was all variations of breaking him apart then piecing him back together again like he was a piece of puzzle that he created. 

But now that he looked back, he felt like he finally located the reason for their ambiguity, because Jaehyun was functioning like a man who wanted to find the perfect middle ground between love and lust and he couldn’t love while never expressing his desires and couldn’t lust without the foundations of love—and so, in between those trips he made to see Yuta in Japan he made it clear that he had both love and lust at his disposal and please, _hyung_ , he had said, tell me what you want. 

The truth was that Yuta wanted neither—he couldn’t love a man he didn’t understand and couldn’t lust for a boy he had known since childhood—so he waited for Jaehyun to enlighten him through all the many kisses they would have in high school until Yuta graduated; through all the many times Jaehyun would visit him in his cousin’s apartment in Osaka to bring him gossips from Seoul and he visited so often that he became more familiar with the shops and stores in Shinsaibashi than Yuta was; through all the nights in both Seoul and Osaka when Jaehyun would let him rest on his chest as he pointed out the way the stars looked different in both cities; and yet he couldn’t find it in himself to find a way to reciprocate the way Jaehyun wanted him to. 

This isn’t a break up, Jaehyun declared decisively when he heard that, because we were _never_ anything. 

It was the kind of backlash Doyoung must had thought Yuta deserved, because he had called him out everytime he nudged Doyoung into holding him the way Jaehyun once did, reminding him that he should have expected this anyway, because Jaehyun’s bitterness was a product of a cruel slash upon decades long of waiting and pining. 

“You are only reacting like this because you’re no longer special to him,” Doyoung had spat right after taking off his pants and getting himself ready on that night they were to do it for the first time. 

Yuta didn’t take kindly to that direct call out, so he would often initially respond by asking Doyoung to shut up and fuck him and fucking him was indeed what he did very well, because he would set him firm in a position before putting himself inside and kiss him just enough to qualify as foreplay at first and later out of genuine care—but never out of love and Yuta knew it. 

He also knew enough of Doyoung that no matter how much gentler Doyoung got with him—there was still no love nor lust in everything he had done for him; not in the way Doyoung lectured his cowardliness, not in the way Doyoung had given in to his pleas and started caressing neck before giving a goodnight kiss on his forehead, not in the way Doyoung would sometimes cook for him the morning after, not in the way he would massage his back and soothe him when he threw up after drinking too much, not in the way he would let him cry liberally as an act of catharsis while rewatching the scene of Itachi dying for the second time in Naruto when he desperately needed a good release, not in the way Doyoung would sometimes speak Japanese with him to remind him a little of home, and definitely not in all the little ways Doyoung had been slowly coaxing him into getting over Jaehyun and finding love again. 

But the thing with Yuta is that he has never been sure if love was what he had with Jaehyun and because of that, he never knew what he could have needed from Doyoung. 

**  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**

_(iii)_

**  
  
  
  
  
**

Yuta asks to spend the night over at Doyoung’s place after tendering his resignation because he just feels like it, he says. 

“No making out, no sex, no strings attached,” he promises, “just hanging out and spending some quality drinking time.” He means it exactly the way he has said it, but Doyoung’s look of skepticism can get rather hilarious. 

“I don’t believe you,” Doyoung says. He has every reason to doubt Yuta because it has been two weeks since Yuta told Jaehyun of his decision to not just decline to be his best man, but also refuse to attend the wedding altogether and in those two weeks, Doyoung hasn’t let his eyes leave him for even a second. You need to tell me if you’re feeling awful, he keeps reminding him, despite Yuta repeatedly insisting that he’s fine and he’ll only be getting better henceforth. 

“Recovery is never a linear process, I hope you know that,” Doyoung had said in a text he sent a few days ago, to which Yuta responded by teasing him about not being qualified enough to nag him about psychiatry (Doyoung is a postgraduate scholar in Quantum Physics) only to have Doyoung giving him a middle finger emoji and threatening to tie him up the next time he sees him so that he can take an incriminating photo or two for blackmail purposes. 

But Doyoung was right, because recovery for Yuta thus far has been like a bumpy train journey back home; from announcing his intention to move back to Osaka to find a job there to his teary-eyed parents, to contacting his cousin to ask if the apartment still has a space for him, to discussing with his manager about his decision, to filing the paperworks in the embassy, to readying himself to brace a harsh, penniless few months ahead and finally, facing all of his best friends and telling them that he is going to be taking a one-way ticket away from Seoul to start a new life. John and Mark were surprisingly neutral at the news, apparently because Yuta had never really been discreet about his longings for home especially after having spent his undergraduate years in Osaka and for them, it was just a matter of time before Yuta would make such a decision anyway. Jaehyun’s reaction was a little indescribable and he kept quiet the entire time like he was internally sorting out his thoughts before being able to decipher them well enough to express the most appropriate emotion in response to the news and this time, he didn’t follow it up with his plans to visit. 

It didn’t matter much to Yuta because it was Doyoung’s reaction that Yuta cared the most and Yuta wanted him to know that he was now ready to declare his independence from Doyoung’s prescribed medication and embark on a more natural way to convalesce: time. 

“Thank you so much,” he says, dropping his head on Doyoung’s shoulder as the movie on the tv screen rolls up the credits. 

“What for,” Doyoung asks, taking his hand and gently squeezing them as he fights off tears that come both from the movie and also from the slow realisation that this might be the last time he’s spending time with Yuta before he leaves. 

“For everything you’ve done,” Yuta answers. For telling me about the dangers but letting me fall anyway then catching me while I bruise. For hearing me when I laugh and listening to me when I cry, for nagging me when I get cocky but picking me up when I get despondent.

And so, Yuta closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, then tells Doyoung something that even Jaehyun never got to hear: 

I love you, Doyoung. I really do.

Then, as if on cue, the doorbell rings. 

**  
  
  
  
  
**

*

**  
  
  
  
  
**

John has an early flight to catch tomorrow to Taipei for a sales conference which he had moved forward in order to not miss Jaehyun’s wedding, so he now has no choice but to drop off a heavily-drunk Jaehyun with Doyoung because at this stage, John says, there’s no way he would be able to make it back home. 

It’s such a bizarre situation that Yuta and Doyoung look at each other in apprehension, because Jaehyun never gets drunk— _ever_. He didn’t get drunk when John challenged him to drink a whole bottle of whiskey and he didn’t get drunk when he had to down Yuta’s portion of the drink too at that time during a wedding of their high school friend because Yuta was sick and Yuta is pretty sure that he is definitely not drunk now—at least not drunk enough that he has to crash in with Doyoung because he can’t call a cab home. 

Which leaves them with only one possible explanation, so Yuta nods at John as Doyoung begrudgingly agrees to let Jaehyun spend the night at his place along with Yuta and carries Jaehyun to the couch while Doyoung retreats to the kitchen to prepare some tea after passing him a warm towel that he can use to place on Jaehyun’s forehead. 

Being left alone with Jaehyun strangely doesn’t unsettle him now, but Yuta let the silence marinate for a while before breaking it. 

“I was planning to talk to you, you know?”

Jaehyun opens his eyes into narrow slits before shifting a little closer towards him. “I see that you’ve learned to read me well.” 

“We did grow up together, you and I,” Yuta says as he pats the warm towel all over Jaehyun’s face. “There’s nothing we can hide from each other.”

Jaehyun’s disheveledness does nothing to diminish the attractiveness of his grin. 

“Indeed,” he says, his voice a little huskier than usual and Yuta can’t help but to lock his eyes on his face, wondering if Jaehyun does indeed know him well enough that he could sense that he has been opening himself up to Doyoung and striking just as his defences were at their lowest. 

Yuta lets out a loud sigh as he mentally surrenders and drops both of his hands within the range where Jaehyun could hold him. 

“I never wanted to see it,” referring to the upcoming wedding, “not within this lifetime. So—”

Jaehyun gives him the attentive look he has missed so much and Yuta suddenly feels like he’s back to being a teenager, enamoured by the mischievous boy who was growing up into the man of his dreams. 

“—would you forgive me?”

Jaehyun moves his palm to his face and presses his thumb on his cheeks in the same way he used to do before kissing him, only this time Yuta knows that they are no longer the same two boys who had been so blindly infatuated with each other that even random touches felt like a jolt of electricity. At this moment, no matter how badly he wants Jaehyun to envelop him again in his arms, the damage has hurt them too deep for any proper reconciliation that could restore their romantic potential. 

“There are parts of me that still long for the sight of you at the altar,” Jaehyun whispers.

Yuta is all but familiar with this pattern of his, so he shakes his head mildly and smiles at Jaehyun.

“I know.”

“And those are the parts of me that would never be able to let go of you.”

“I know. I really do.”

“No, you don’t,” Jaehyun says, a little louder and a little more assertive as he pulled Yuta closer to him. 

Yuta wants this conversation to be over already because he knows exactly what Jaehyun would say after this and that he had heard it before over and over—but he wants to hear Jaehyun say it one last time. 

“I know though. You said it before.” 

Jaehyun takes his chance and cups Yuta’s face in his hand, then slowly trails the erogenous spot at the back of his neck he knows would turn him on. 

“And what was that.”

Yuta hates feeling so weak in Jaehyun’s presence, but he can’t help the desperation he’s feeling right now. 

“That you left some of you—”

“—with you,” Jaehyun finishes with the kind of voice he knows Yuta wouldn’t be able to resist. “I never got them back, and you know that.” 

Yuta thinks of that time when they had a similar conversation right before Jaehyun left for Seoul abruptly—about the way they had torn each other to pieces when they least meant it, the way they had not wanted to be apart at all, and the way they bemoaned the way nothing about them felt right—and finally breaks down horribly in front of Jaehyun.

Only this time, neither Jaehyun nor Doyoung would pick him up.

**  
  
  
  
  
**

*

**  
  
  
  
  
**

They used to exist in an equilibrium, the three of them—Jaehyun, Doyoung and Yuta—with each of them taking turns being the fulcrum. 

Yuta was the first to play the role when they were in elementary school and the three of them were staying in the same neighbourhood because Jaehyun used to roll his eyes at Doyoung whenever he strongly warned him against taking Yuta to the abandoned playground at the end of the street that was going to have a new apartment built over it. Jaehyun used to find Doyoung’s aversion a little unfounded because the construction kept getting pushed back and nobody was really doing anything to it and the cats and dogs, he gushed, are so cute. The arguments happened often but never heated enough to ruin their friendship (not that anything could, anyway, because Doyoung’s mother was a former classmate of Jaehyun’s father) until one day when Jaehyun insisted on playing camp with some of the kittens he had befriended after school and Doyoung threatened to tell Jaehyun’s mother before storming off to his piano class, leaving Yuta to chase after him and promised that it would be Jaehyun’s final trip to the playground. 

It was but an empty promise to Doyoung at that time, because Yuta had no idea how he could make it happen and Jaehyun was one of the most stubborn boys he knew but as fate would have it, he would later be grabbed by a bout of nosiness and attempted to break apart a catfight only to fall into the drain because grabbing the bicycle for stability was the worst possible idea, resulting in Jaehyun never bringing up any further intention to continue befriending the kittens in the abandoned playground that was how Yuta’s empty promise became self-fulfilling—plus Doyoung would get his last word anyway when the construction of the new apartment began just a mere one month later. 

It would be Jaehyun to play the role later on during high school, because Doyoung was an annoyingly strict student council president who was annoyed at literally everything Yuta did: not tucking his shirt fully, not wearing his socks properly, not tying his shoes the right away, not fastening his belt enough—at some point, Yuta argued, that he got more flack for breathing than some got for actually breaking the rules. It was Jaehyun who was the balancing point between the two, because Yuta’s association with perfect boy Jaehyun made Doyoung’s draconian regulation of Yuta’s dress code a lot more ridiculous than it was and Jaehyun’s thirst for subtle subversion meant that a lot was going on right under Doyoung’s nose and Yuta had long suspected that Jaehyun only started grabbing him for kisses because it pleased him to get under Doyoung’s skin.

And now, as adults, the responsibility fell upon Doyoung because Jaehyun was too proud to re-examine his actions and Yuta was too embarrassed to admit that he shouldn’t have pushed for a definite halt, because when he had heard Jaehyun telling him that this wasn’t a break up, he felt like he had been shot at point blank range because why. Why did he say it like that. Why did he say it like he didn’t once take Yuta’s hand in his and warmed it with his breath. Why did he say it like he never looked at Yuta like he hung the moon; like he could really cut open his chest and stuff his heart in a jar then throw it into the ocean; like he could bite a flesh off his neck and drink his blood. He had said it like they didn’t make out after sharing a cigarette between them; like they didn’t push each other’s tongue while they kissed; like they didn’t fuck in the school auditorium after the annual recital or in the storeroom after skipping gym class or in Jaehyun’s room after his parents went out for high tea.

So Doyoung acted as the axis and told Yuta to tell him what he needed and Yuta instead told him what he didn’t need: he didn’t need Doyoung to fall for him or to look at him any differently, he didn’t need Doyoung to look for the star that Yuta has fancied and pluck it for him, he didn’t need Doyoung to give him a fairytale kiss that sweeps him off his feet, he didn’t need Doyoung to pick up all the messy parts of him and put them back together because I’m beyond repair, you know? I’m messy and restless and permanently unsettled and just a whole big ball of chaotic emotions in human form. 

And just when he thought that he has finally figured out the way to restore the equilibrium, Jaehyun throws a curveball at him and tells him what he has been refusing to acknowledge: 

that if he had been brave enough to tip the balance, at least Doyoung would have been spared from all of this. 

**  
  
  
  
  
**

*

**  
  
  
  
  
**

Jaehyun’s body feels a little sturdier than it was when Yuta still got to hold him; he must have been working out to look good in the wedding photos. 

“I love her,” he declares. “I really do.” 

He’s talking about his bride-to-be and Yuta closes his eyes to unblock all the memories of Jaehyun’s words about her: the way he had bumped into her during a company dinner because she was working on an event in the next conference room in the same hotel and recognised her as the volleyball team’s captain; the way they had reconnected and he found out that she had been one of those who gave him chocolates on Valentines and she had been so flustered about him knowing that; the way he had been the one who asked if she would be ok about the fact that he had been slowly falling for her and she took forever to accept that her highschool crush had finally reciprocated; and finally, the way she had been crying when he asked for her hand in marriage and Yuta opens his eyes to let his tears fall down because Jaehyun has indeed found the second love of his life whether he likes it or not and accepting this fact hurts less than he thought. 

“I cut out the part of me that still thinks of you and set it free so that the rest of me will now be hers,” Jaehyun says, closing out the chapter of his life that was entangled with Yuta. “It’s all yours now, do whatever you want with it.” 

So Yuta lets himself be carried to an alternative realm where they were still children and he would hold Jaehyun’s hand and explore the rebuilt playground and grow up into lovestruck teenagers who would later become two adults who couldn’t see the future without each other. They would eventually find a fulcrum between love and lust when Yuta finally knows who Jaehyun is and accepts that he too, wants Jaehyun the way he has been wanting him and they would both trick Doyoung into officiating their marriage and Yuta would be able to finally be certain that he has made a promise in his childhood that he can definitely keep. 

But for now, he will stay in this reality where Jaehyun will be walking towards the altar with someone who will later be the mother of his children and he can only picture him as nothing but a stellar husband and a wonderful dad—two girls and a boy just like he had wanted—and this time it will be Yuta who makes the follow up question. 

“I call dibs on your firstborn,” Yuta says as he smiles at Jaehyun genuinely for the first time since forever. 

Jaehyun looks at him like he finally found the light, glad that they have finally _known_ each other. 

**  
  
  
  
  
**

*

**  
  
  
  
  
**

Yuta’s flight is scheduled to depart the day after Jaehyun’s wedding, but it’s for a quick trip to attend a job interview. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to go to the wedding anyway?” Doyoung asks when he drops by because Yuta wants to pass him his wedding gift. “Since you theoretically can, looking at the timing and all?” 

“No,” Yuta says definitively. 

“But you guys aren’t awkward now, are you?”

He says it with so much concern in his creased forehead that Yuta can’t help but laugh. “No, we aren’t awkward anymore.” 

It’s true, Yuta thinks. He could have gone to the wedding, really, but there are just too many things to prepare for both the wedding and the job interview and he would really like to just chill out for once and not load his brain with too many emotions.

“And you’re sure you don’t want to hand it to him in person?” Doyoung asks as he waves the envelope in his hand towards him. 

Yuta shrugs as he leads Doyoung to the door and thanks him for agreeing to take the envelope to the wedding on his behalf and read the message out loud (and also promising to not open it until he has to read it out). 

“Nope,” he says again, more conclusively. 

Doyoung heaves a relieved sigh and hugs him. 

“What’s in this anyway,” he asks. 

Yuta leans against the door and smiles at him mischievously, just like he did back in their childhood right before he was about to take Jaehyun away to play in the abandoned playground Doyoung had so hated. 

“Nothing much,” Yuta says, “just a normal letter, from a _hyung_ to a _dongsaeng_ he cares a lot about.”

**  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**

_(iv)_

**  
  
  
  
  
**

It happened a long time ago, but Jaehyun will never forget the way Yuta had extended his hand after he had fallen into the drain on that very day he was certain that Doyoung was wrong about everything, that it would be the day he and Yuta would be able to one-up Doyoung and that it would be when they would remember this little story to last a lifetime. 

“Come on, Jaehyun- _ah_ ,” Yuta had said, his eyes nervously going between the wound on his thigh and his hand. “It will be ok.”

But Jaehyun knew that he would be able to climb up without much help just like the way he could have avoided falling into the drain if he had placed his palm on the ground instead of grabbing the bicycle and thus, maintaining his stability and staying injury-less but alas, he would had to have a lapse in physical coordination and ended up like this now, flustered and embarrassingly bloodied. 

“Don’t worry,” Yuta had said in a way that Jaehyun knew was devoid of judgment, “I won’t let go of you.” 

It was the first and only promise Yuta had made to him that he had failed on every account—until now. 

It has been a long way here, but Jaehyun has never been prouder of himself for pursuing a closure with Yuta because he knows himself too well to imagine a married life where he isn’t hung up on the past and wondering if he would do Sharon a disservice by giving her only half of himself when he would have to commit the whole of him. He had thought that asking Yuta to be his best man was indicative enough that he had let everything go but it had been the worst decision ever, judging from the way Doyoung had yelled at him the next day, because how could you do this to him?

“What the fuck were you thinking?” Doyoung had screamed over the phone that got Jaehyun to know that he screwed up royally because Doyoung has always been a text person instead of a call person. 

“He seemed ok earlier?” he had said, referring to the drinking session the night before, only to have Doyoung going to the (thankfully) spare details about what he and Yuta did the night before even though Jaehyun had always prepared himself for the inevitability of Doyoung and Yuta getting together—because he had feared that it would happen, didn’t he. 

He had feared so much that he had spent most of his youth distracting Yuta from Doyoung so that his eyes were filled with Jaehyun, and only Jaehyun and that was probably why he reacted the way he did when Yuta had told him that he wasn’t sure about this, _them,_ everything, and despite everything that he had done, he might not have been enough for Yuta. 

It bothered him so much that the first thing he had thought about after Sharon agreed to marry was a hypothetical conversation with Yuta that got him to announce that he had finally found it—he had finally found someone who had found him to be enough, to be everything he had wanted to be for Yuta and yet when the real conversation had to be started and he found himself face to face with the person he had once loved so deeply, he could do nothing but to admit that he’s that kind of loser who would never be able to move on and that was why he had to be precise in his effort to amputate of that part of him that still wanted to live in a hypothetical world where he wasn’t obsessed with finding out the reason why his first love fell apart that disastrously. 

Yet in that hard-fought moment of reconciliation, it had been Doyoung who had tipped him off about Yuta spending the night just in case he was planning for one final chance to make things right again, then blanketed them in his home as they released out their age-old resentment and a warm cup of tea to toast to, tears all over his face as he blubbered out his relief that everything is now over—all these hostility, all these imbalance, all these grudges. 

“It’s all over now,” Doyoung says again as he hands him the letter that Yuta has passed to him. Apparently Yuta has intended for Doyoung to read it in a toast to the bride and groom but Doyoung feels like Jaehyun should read it first in case the letter contains something that isn’t wedding-appropriate but Jaehyun declines the offer and tells him to read it—all of it, as Yuta has intended him to. 

“Go ahead,” Jaehyun says when he raises his glass to invite toasts, nodding at Doyoung as he rises up from his seat. 

And so Doyoung takes a sip of water, then begins with a voice as clear as a crystal’s.

_The World’s Greatest Best Man Speech._

**  
  
  
  
  
**

_*_

**Author's Note:**

> \- thank you for reading this  
> \- please stay safe because we are still in a pandemic and take care!!!


End file.
